Godlife.com

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I email and interact with quite a few Christian web sites and venues. As such, I receive emails inquiring if I need any assistance or if they can pray for me for anything, etc.

I was asked via a recent email from Godlife.com if I knew about God and if they could pray for me about something specifically. If you have read my recent blog post, you know I’m on a roll, so of course, I had to respond. Well, here is my response to Godlife.com:

“I do know Christ and have been saved; however, I’ve grown away from God – quite far away. I have bouts in my life where I grow away from him as I have this disconnect between my logical brain and my heart. I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse and am still in recovery. My recovery began in October, 2015 and I am still struggling with all that entails. I have shelves and shelves of Christian books on just about every topic. I have countless Bibles and different ones and types. I subscribe to all types of newsletters and devotionals and have taken countless classes. Where the disconnect happens is what I stated earlier – between my logical brain and my heart. I know what the Bible states – God loves me. He sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins and he has forgiven me for my sins as long as I confess those sins.

I was raised a Catholic. There was a time when I first started my road of recovery when I had this mantra that would not shut off. It was “forgive me father for I have sinned”. That is how it started, yet it grew. The mantra would grow in length. I’m not sure if I can remember it all now; however, I finally was overcome and had to go to a Catholic priest and confess my sins. Not once, not twice, but three times. It helped, the mantra ended, I felt better for awhile, but I didn’t feel clean. I wasn’t cleansed.

That is what I want to feel. I want to feel clean. I want to be cleansed. I want to have my sins washed away. I want them to be forgiven and not to be remembered but I don’t believe that is possible because I can remember them. I will always remember them. My logical brain cannot comprehend how God cannot remember. How He cannot see what was done to me. How He cannot see the shame, the humiliation, the pain, the suffering.

I’ve been baptized – 3 times actually. Twice as a baby and once as an adult. I’ve thought that once I was “healed” from my abuse that I would be baptized again and then I could rise out of the water again and then I would feel cleansed and whole; but I don’t think it is possible. The dirt that is inside is so deep and so ingrained that I don’t believe anything can wash it away. There is no amount of scrubbing. No amount of soaking.

So what do I do instead? I hide. I hide my imperfection by trying to be perfect via my career. I hide my imperfection by not exercising and being fat because then you cannot see the dirt inside. However, now, for some very strange unknown reason, the fat makes me feel disgusting. I’ve been fat for the majority of my life; yet once I knew what it felt like to be skinny and normal, I now don’t want to be fat any longer. Yet, I’ve become fat again and can’t stand it. I look at myself and can’t figure out how I could live in a body that was over a 100 pounds heavier than I am now. I think I’m disgusting now – how much more disgusting I must have been back then!

I also isolate myself. I cut off my family. I make no attempt to make friends. Anyone who attempts to be a friend I cut off or I may make noise to be a friend, but then I shut down. It’s too hard to be friends. I have too many walls up. I have major trust issues. Then the depression kicks in. The bipolar issues. The PTSD. The list just goes on and on. How could anyone even think to want to be with someone like me. I’m single, can’t even get a boyfriend let alone a husband. The only men I can get are either married or dating someone and only looking for someone to have sex with.

So, you ask such a simple question as to what more specifically you could pray for me? My answer is I have no idea. I’ve gone over 2 months without a job because I couldn’t get out of bed due to depression; therefore, I’m now struggling with credit card companies hounding me every day calling for payment. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my rent, my car payment, insurance, internet, food and get a job. I’ve royally screwed up my life for not the first time in my wretched life, but the 3rd. And most likely will not be the last. I’m tired, so very tired. I just want to be normal and am wondering why in the hell if God is so good and has such a great plan for me did he allow someone so bloody awful to do something so incredibly cruel to me so that it would royally screw up my life so flipping bad. There are days that I wish all of those times I tried to kill myself would have succeeded because then I would not hurt so much and my life would not be so screwed up right now. I would not continue to make such really bad decisions.

What I need is a handbook. Something or someone to help guide me – step by step – on what to do – quite literally. I cannot do this by myself. No one seems to get that. I know and realize I rebel and say I’m an adult, but what no one gets is that there is this 2 to 8-year-old girl inside that is stuck. She never got to grow up. And until she is allowed to get out, grow up, be nurtured and loved; I’m stuck.

Thanks for reaching out. Thank you for listening. Thank you for doing what you do. For helping people. For being a believer. For loving God and for being there for those of us who need you.”

Advertisements

goTandem

Tags

, , , ,

This is my email to goTandem. If you’ve not heard of them, then look them up at http://www.gotandem.com. They are awesome! They sent me an email today asking how they could pray for me today and this was my response and I thought I would share it…….

“I have lost my way. I have been in a very deep depression since the end of 2017. I’ve been sleeping crazy (sleeping endlessly or up for hours on end and not sleeping at all); I’ve gone days without bathing (usually an entire week); not brushing my teeth at all (for almost a month at a time – if memory serves me correctly); barely any contact with anyone from the outside world. I finally lost my job on February 9, 2018 and because of my lack of notifying my employer of my “illness” and inability to come into work, I was denied unemployment. I began looking for a job the week of February 12th and have been unable to secure a job. I have no savings whatsoever. I have had a few interviews and have been applying for jobs; however, I was making pretty good money and am up to debt to my eyeballs, so I need a somewhat good paying job in order to keep the hounds at bay. I feel like a total failure and I realize that I’m asking God to get me out the jam I’ve gotten myself into. This is truly a story of I’m reaping what I’ve sowed and I know that. I have no one to blame but myself. I have no health insurance so I can’t continue to see my counselor; whom I’m sure would chastise me and tell me to grow up and for a change take charge of my life. I know better, I know that I need to face facts and grow up; but there just seems to be this part of me that wants to run and hide. That wants someone to tell me that it’s alright. That some part of what I did was of no fault of mine. That all the nasty crap that happened to me – the abuse and screwed up stuff – well, I don’t know. I just need it fixed. I just want to be normal. How do I fix the past and become normal? How do I fix the past and that child who never was able to be a child? Who was always afraid and scared and hurt? Who tried to cry out but was terrified? Who is the one rebelling now and screwing up the adult life? Who is isolating and running scared and just wanting to be held and told it will be okay and that she is loved and that she is pretty but not in “that way”? That love does not mean sex?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Your service has always meant a great deal to me. One of these days I’ll stop thinking God doesn’t think I’m dirty and awful and bad, That I’m actually good enough to be loved. One of these days the logical part of my brain, which knows God loves me no matter what will catch up with my very hard and wall-protected heart but there is a lot of chipping and crumbling and wall breaking to do in the meantime.

Keep doing what you guys are doing. Keep praying and keep reaching out to those of us in need. Each time you do it tell us that we matter and that is just the little bit of hope we all need and gives us the strength to go on another day. To keep us from giving up. To keep us from saying good-bye. To let us know that it is all worth it in the end.”

I’ve gotten a bit better since February 9, 2018. I’ve actually started taking regular showers and began brushing my teeth regularly as well. I still have little to no contact with the outside world other than interviews or some text messages. I am becoming increasingly worried regarding my health, so I suppose I need to start exercising soon. I have lost some weight, but that could be attributed to lack of movement as opposed to anything else.

I know I need to start functioning again as a real human being, but this has been extremely hard and pretty scary. I either wanted to have EST (electric shock therapy) and have my brain shocked back into normalcy or become a permanent resident of a facility where their rooms had rubber or padded walls. This is what has become my life.

I am not sure what the trigger was that began the major downward spiral and I’m not going to dwell on it (unless I’m forced to); however, I need to start working on getting out of the darn pit I’m in or I’ll most likely die in here — unless that is what I truly want. I haven’t dwelled on that thought much…… odd isn’t it. Most people with my issues would most likely swing to that thought but I haven’t.

Anyway, thanks for listening and let’s keep the ball rollling upwards.

Weight loss journey – the day before…..

Tags

, , , ,

I’ve struggled with weight issues all my life.  I’ve successfully been able to lose weight – and a great amount – and was doing okay with keeping it off. I’ve had a couple of setbacks; however, this time is the worst weight gain I’ve had since I used to weigh 350 lbs. 

The PTSD, depression and my recovery journey has taken me to places I never thought I would ever go. 

I’ve discovered that I find comfort in food; but then berate myself for eating unhealthy food and hence gaining weight. 

I’ve stopped exercising after walking over 10 miles every day and even had gotten to the point where I was actually running and enjoying it. I had run several 5k races and even have a medal for placing 2nd in my age class. 
Tonight, as I was sitting on my bed and watching tv, I turned and saw myself in the mirror and wanted to break down and cry. The image staring back at me was an image I thought I would never see again. I was so disgusted by the image I saw that it almost put me over the edge. 

I had already started making the decision to get back on track with my health and to tackle my weight issues. My sister-in-law sent me a 30 day package of Isagenix. I will be starting the 30 day plan tomorrow. I’m already getting Super Lipotropic B12 shots, which have greatly reduced my appetite (though that has not stopped me from eating despite feeling full). 

I will need all of the encouragement and motivation and support I can find and hold onto. 

So, fellow traveler and reader, please join me in this journey of weight loss. I will chronicle my weight and what I’m doing and how I feel as much as possible. 

I already know that I will need the great strength that only God can provide me to make it through this trial in my life. However, I will need human support as well. People who can see my progress and see how things are going. 

Here begins the journey within a journey.  Won’t you join me?

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts and comments. All will be greatly welcomed and remembered. 

The grip of depression 

Tags

, , ,

I have not written for at least 6 months. I have been in the tight jaws of that nasty animal called “depression”. It did not want to let go and I fought hard, but alas, I have found hope and see light at the end of the tunnel. 

I tried not to let it take over my life and wanted to combat it naturally; however, it was winning. Keeping me isolated, feeling numb, having apathy for all life and having me get to the point that life was simply not worth living.

I have finally succumbed to having to take a prescription medication. It has only Ben approximately 2 weeks, but I can feel a difference. I’m starting to care again – about my home, my body, my appearance. I would go a week without showering. I would only wash my hair and on some days just take a sponge bath. My home has become a complete mess. Doing dishes was a feat. Cleaning the house in any way was more than I could handle. 

In addition to this, I hid myself away from everyone. I’ve stopped attending church, didn’t care about my job, could care less if I paid my bills. I had given up on life but was not yet to that final tipping point of ending it all. 

I am unsure what has kept me functioning at the level I was. I’m unsure what kept me from ending it all. Whatever it was, I’m still here. 

I have a long journey still in front of me. One of healing, forgiveness, ridding myself of guilt and shame. I need to learn to love myself, which seems so very hard to do. 

I need to thank my counselor who has kept on me and without him, I think I would surely be dead.  I also have a very good friend, Ken, who never gave up on me. He stood by me via text and helped me know that I was cared about and loved. Most of all, I need to thank God, my father, for never giving up on me.  For staying by my side. For listening to my cries of fear, frustration and pain. For providing me comfort on those nights I thought I was going insane. It is through him that I am still alive. He is obviously not finished with me yet. 

This animal called depression is an evil bastard. He tries to steal your life – and I do mean literally. However, I feel like I’m winning and he is losing. This is a very good feeling. 

I can hardly wait to see what the next couple of weeks will bring as the medication does it work and enables me to function as a fully participating human being again. 

Thanks to all who follow me and share their stories. When I started on my journey of healing – of trying to no longer be a victim to my childhood sexual abuse – I never knew it would be so difficult and cause so much pain. 

Here is to living my life again and continuing on my healing journey. 

Numb……… Is there hope?

Tags

, ,

Do you ever feel numb? You have used up all of your emotions and you are to the point of not being able to feel any longer. You want to keep moving forward but the overwhelming emotions you have been feeling during recovery have made it impossible for you to care any longer – about anything or anyone.

I have come to this point. I am tired of doing the work – I’m tired of feeling all of these emotions – I’m exhausted and don’t want to feel any longer. I don’t want to care about anything or anyone. 

I realize it would be living in a vacuum if I stopped feeling; therefore I need to figure things out. I need to continue to move forward and push through this patch I’ve come across. It feels more like a mud I’m trying to get through or perhaps quicksand. 

I was at the bottom of my garbage bag just a few months ago. I’ve managed to bring myself up towards the top but I’m not at the top. I, unfortunately, feel as if I’m slipping back down.

God – Abba Father – please help me!  I cannot do this without you. I am not strong enough. I am not able to continue without your loving support, strength and wisdom. I cry out to you – please hear my cry – hear my plea – I need you.  I need your help.  I’m a lost lamb searching for my shepherd.

I have so much work left to do. So much more healing I need to experience. I need to cry, I need to shout, I need to get mad and angry, I need to resolve all the hurt and bitterness. How can I continue? Where do I find my strength to keep going?  How do I find purpose in the journey?

Whenever I think of the abuse, I think of the betrayal.  I think of the childhood I lost. I do feel sad for that little lost girl. She wants so much to feel accepted – to be wanted – to feel loved. I need the feelings of worthlessness to go away. I need to feel as if I have worth – that I have value. That I am making a difference. 

I pray the healing continues, I pray that God hears my cry, my plea and sees my tears. 

The journey must continue – I just need to be strong……..

What does love look like?

Tags

, , , , ,

Have you ever felt love? I mean truly felt it?

I have had the opportunity to have felt love. 

The first time was at church. I was sitting in my chair, waiting for service to begin, and my past I walked by and grabbed my hand. He has told me numerous times how much he loves me – how thankful he is for me – hugged me and said how thankful God is that I am here. But in that moment I felt his love for me with just the mere shake of his hand. He did not have to say a word. All the words he had spoken previously had told me he loved me. All the ways he had shown me previously had shown me he loved me. He was not just saying those words to say them. He genuinely meant them. 

I have never felt that kind of love before from someone other than my mother, grandmother, grandfather, aunt or uncle.

My father has never shown me nor have I ever felt this unconditional love before from him. 

This is true love. This is unconditional love. This is the love of our Heavenly Father bestows upon us each and every day no matter what. God’s love is never ending. God’s love knows no boundaries – has no beginning and no end. God loves us when we screw up and when we are being bad and when we repent and when we are doing good. 

The other time I felt this amazing unconditional love was when I was attending a school play with two friends. I have not known these women for even a year yet; however I feel as if I have truly gotten to know them and can trust them. Something which I have a very hard time doing. 

As we were sitting in our seats watching the play, I was thinking of how much I was enjoying the show and being able to be myself and lip-sync along with the show songs (we were watching West Sidr Story) and then I felt this amazing love – an unconditional feeling of love overcome me. I knew it was God letting me know I have once again found another type of love. The unconditional love of friendship. Of friends who are true friends. Friends who will tell you how it is. Friends who will support you. Friends who will keep you connected with God and on the correct path. 

This feeling of unconditional love is unlike anything I can describe. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. 

My wish for everyone is that they experience these two types of love in their life. 

I know there is another love. The love of human for you – you know – that “sexual” type love or whatever you want to call it that you will have with your husband or wife. I’m not married so I have yet to experience that love. But God has a plan for my life. And that plan includes for me to be married. I will experience that type of love.  And when I do it will be amazing jut as God describes it in the Bible. 

Praying for our enemies

Tags

, , , , ,

When we pray for our enemies are we doing it with our hearts in the right mode?  Have we forgiven them?  Are we praying for them with our goals in mind or with the goal of their salvation in mind?  What is our heart intention?

Do we know why they are attacking us?  Do we know why they are our enemy?  Do we know why we are under persecution?

Could this person have been a friend previously?  Is this person a family member?  A co-worker?  A neighbor?  A stranger?

Do you know what hurts they have experienced in their life?  Keep in mind we are all broken.   None of us have gone through this life untouched by tragedy.  None of us have come to the place where we are without some battle scars.

God calls us to love our enemies.  To turn the other cheek.  If asked to give your shirt, not only give that but your coat also.  Yes, I’m mixing up the “eye for an eye” and the “love for enemies” sermons from Matthew, but they go hand-in-hand.  It all boils down to love.  A love that we don’t totally understand.  A love that we are not used to.  A love that God showed us by having his one and only son die for our sins.  And still we don’t understand.

So, how do we get to that point of understanding?  How do we get to the point where we turn the other cheek?  Where we understand the other person’s point of view and forgive and love them?  Not harbor any anger or hard feelings?

By remembering all of the times we asked for forgiveness of others when we were cruel.  By remembering when we were mean and nasty to others and *we* were in the wrong and should not have passed judgment and we were the enemy and we were given grace and mercy when it was not deserved by others.  When we remember all of those times (and don’t try to kid yourself that you never acted like that towards other people, because you know you have and you know there are times you still do), then you can forgive people who act like that towards you.  It may take a lot of praying.  But then just pray.  Pray for God to help you.  Pray for God to help them.  Pray for God to save them and bring them into salvation.  Pray for healing in their life.  Pray for God to love on them like no one else has shown them love ever.  But pray.  Ask for other people to pray for them.  But pray.  And keep on praying.

And don’t stop praying because that is what God has asked us to do.  God knows what is best for us.  His Word is true and if His Word says to do it; don’t you think it’s about time we do what He tells us to do?

Teamwork 

Tags

, , , ,

What is teamwork?

Do people working for the same company not all have the same goal or goals in mind?  Do they not all work for the same company? I realize they may have different job duties and responsibilities however should we not all work together to help each other?

Or are we to stay in our own departments and not help when called upon to help?  Where do you draw the line?

When you are asked to help; then how much help do you offer?

When you know someone needs help do you offer to help or do you offer suggestions on how to solve the problem or issue?

Is this instead a boundary issue for those of us who were abused and therefore had our boundaries destroyed?  I know I grew up without knowing my boundaries (I know that now after reading the “Boundaries” book by Dr. Cloud) but how do I implement them?  How do I draw those boundaries?  How do I know when to put them into place?  

Luckily I have a Bohndaries study group next month, but I still will need help putting them to work in my work life and my personal life. 

But then again, is this a boundary issue or am I reading too much into the situations happening?  Am I being too sensitive?  Should I stop offering to help when it is not needed until I understand what boundaries are and how to implement them?

Father God, please provide me guidance, wisdom and assistance. 

Victory Log #10

Tags

, , , ,

Father God:
I praise your name. I worship you and give you thanks. I thank you for being able to worship you today. I thank you for another glorious day. I thank you for saving me, a sinner who does not deserve your grace or mercy.  
Thank you for your everlasting mercy and grace. Thank you for the new mercies each new day.  Thank you for your everlasting love which is abounding and knows no bounds. 
Thank you for giving your son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for not only my sins, but the sins of the whole world so we could have a personal relationship with you. 
Thank you for the blessings you have bestowed upon me. Thank you for the renewing of my mind which you do not only every day but every minute and every second. 
Thank you for the life you have breathed into not only me but those of my friends and family. Thank you for the people whom you have placed into my life. Those who know Christ and those who do not. 
Thank you for blessing me with two new pairs of shoes which will not hurt my left foot. 
Thank you for the potential new kitchen flooring. 
Thank you for the new people I was able to meet at church today. For the new way of praying. For going outside of my comfort zone. Thank you for teaching me new things and showing me new priorities. 
Thank you for the new insight today during my session with Sam. Thank you for the time I was able to spend with him. I ask for blessing and safe travels for Sam while he travels to Korea. 
Thank you the ability to freely attend church and worship and praise your name. Thank you for the ability to spend time with my sisters and brothers in Christ. Thank you for providing me a safe place to come every week.  
Thank you for showing me that I need to be always faithful to you with your money. That I need to be a good steward. 
Thank you for blessing me with the relationship I have with my mother and for having her tell me she loves me. Not by having her say “love you” but by saying “I love you” which means so much more. 
Thank you for loving me and showing me what true love means. You amaze me each and every day and I am so humbled and astonished to be called to be your follower and servant. 

Toxicity……when will it ever stop?

Tags

, , ,

When will the toxicity stop? When will the losing end?  I’m told that I need to cheer up at work, be more positive. I need to work on my attitude. I need to watch how I respond, how I come across, how I speak, etc.  

I start to listen to audiobooks and read books and listen to podcasts to learn.  I pray every day and ask God for help. I start to change my attitude. I watch what I say. I watch my attitude. I learn to mind my own business. I take responsibility for my mistakes. 

I’ve learned from the book I bought about healing my inner child that I need to understand my conflicts could be my child getting angry and upset and not the adult. 

So how come when I am upbeat and happy and enjoying myself at work, when the toxic one is getting ready to leave for the day does she spring it on me that I am being too happy and too loud?  Why wait until then?  Why not say that I just need to keep it down? Why not say something earlier? Why make it seem demeaning? 

Is this jealousy? Is this just another attempt to ensure I will get fired? Is this another attempt to try to undermine me? Another way to hurt me?

So how do I react? I stew…….and stew……..and stew…………and stew……….and then binge on fast food.

I need to really get to work on healing my child. 

God – are you listening? I need your strength. I need your courage. I need your help!!