Weight loss journey – the day before…..

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I’ve struggled with weight issues all my life.  I’ve successfully been able to lose weight – and a great amount – and was doing okay with keeping it off. I’ve had a couple of setbacks; however, this time is the worst weight gain I’ve had since I used to weigh 350 lbs. 

The PTSD, depression and my recovery journey has taken me to places I never thought I would ever go. 

I’ve discovered that I find comfort in food; but then berate myself for eating unhealthy food and hence gaining weight. 

I’ve stopped exercising after walking over 10 miles every day and even had gotten to the point where I was actually running and enjoying it. I had run several 5k races and even have a medal for placing 2nd in my age class. 
Tonight, as I was sitting on my bed and watching tv, I turned and saw myself in the mirror and wanted to break down and cry. The image staring back at me was an image I thought I would never see again. I was so disgusted by the image I saw that it almost put me over the edge. 

I had already started making the decision to get back on track with my health and to tackle my weight issues. My sister-in-law sent me a 30 day package of Isagenix. I will be starting the 30 day plan tomorrow. I’m already getting Super Lipotropic B12 shots, which have greatly reduced my appetite (though that has not stopped me from eating despite feeling full). 

I will need all of the encouragement and motivation and support I can find and hold onto. 

So, fellow traveler and reader, please join me in this journey of weight loss. I will chronicle my weight and what I’m doing and how I feel as much as possible. 

I already know that I will need the great strength that only God can provide me to make it through this trial in my life. However, I will need human support as well. People who can see my progress and see how things are going. 

Here begins the journey within a journey.  Won’t you join me?

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts and comments. All will be greatly welcomed and remembered. 

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The grip of depression 

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I have not written for at least 6 months. I have been in the tight jaws of that nasty animal called “depression”. It did not want to let go and I fought hard, but alas, I have found hope and see light at the end of the tunnel. 

I tried not to let it take over my life and wanted to combat it naturally; however, it was winning. Keeping me isolated, feeling numb, having apathy for all life and having me get to the point that life was simply not worth living.

I have finally succumbed to having to take a prescription medication. It has only Ben approximately 2 weeks, but I can feel a difference. I’m starting to care again – about my home, my body, my appearance. I would go a week without showering. I would only wash my hair and on some days just take a sponge bath. My home has become a complete mess. Doing dishes was a feat. Cleaning the house in any way was more than I could handle. 

In addition to this, I hid myself away from everyone. I’ve stopped attending church, didn’t care about my job, could care less if I paid my bills. I had given up on life but was not yet to that final tipping point of ending it all. 

I am unsure what has kept me functioning at the level I was. I’m unsure what kept me from ending it all. Whatever it was, I’m still here. 

I have a long journey still in front of me. One of healing, forgiveness, ridding myself of guilt and shame. I need to learn to love myself, which seems so very hard to do. 

I need to thank my counselor who has kept on me and without him, I think I would surely be dead.  I also have a very good friend, Ken, who never gave up on me. He stood by me via text and helped me know that I was cared about and loved. Most of all, I need to thank God, my father, for never giving up on me.  For staying by my side. For listening to my cries of fear, frustration and pain. For providing me comfort on those nights I thought I was going insane. It is through him that I am still alive. He is obviously not finished with me yet. 

This animal called depression is an evil bastard. He tries to steal your life – and I do mean literally. However, I feel like I’m winning and he is losing. This is a very good feeling. 

I can hardly wait to see what the next couple of weeks will bring as the medication does it work and enables me to function as a fully participating human being again. 

Thanks to all who follow me and share their stories. When I started on my journey of healing – of trying to no longer be a victim to my childhood sexual abuse – I never knew it would be so difficult and cause so much pain. 

Here is to living my life again and continuing on my healing journey. 

Numb……… Is there hope?

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Do you ever feel numb? You have used up all of your emotions and you are to the point of not being able to feel any longer. You want to keep moving forward but the overwhelming emotions you have been feeling during recovery have made it impossible for you to care any longer – about anything or anyone.

I have come to this point. I am tired of doing the work – I’m tired of feeling all of these emotions – I’m exhausted and don’t want to feel any longer. I don’t want to care about anything or anyone. 

I realize it would be living in a vacuum if I stopped feeling; therefore I need to figure things out. I need to continue to move forward and push through this patch I’ve come across. It feels more like a mud I’m trying to get through or perhaps quicksand. 

I was at the bottom of my garbage bag just a few months ago. I’ve managed to bring myself up towards the top but I’m not at the top. I, unfortunately, feel as if I’m slipping back down.

God – Abba Father – please help me!  I cannot do this without you. I am not strong enough. I am not able to continue without your loving support, strength and wisdom. I cry out to you – please hear my cry – hear my plea – I need you.  I need your help.  I’m a lost lamb searching for my shepherd.

I have so much work left to do. So much more healing I need to experience. I need to cry, I need to shout, I need to get mad and angry, I need to resolve all the hurt and bitterness. How can I continue? Where do I find my strength to keep going?  How do I find purpose in the journey?

Whenever I think of the abuse, I think of the betrayal.  I think of the childhood I lost. I do feel sad for that little lost girl. She wants so much to feel accepted – to be wanted – to feel loved. I need the feelings of worthlessness to go away. I need to feel as if I have worth – that I have value. That I am making a difference. 

I pray the healing continues, I pray that God hears my cry, my plea and sees my tears. 

The journey must continue – I just need to be strong……..

What does love look like?

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Have you ever felt love? I mean truly felt it?

I have had the opportunity to have felt love. 

The first time was at church. I was sitting in my chair, waiting for service to begin, and my past I walked by and grabbed my hand. He has told me numerous times how much he loves me – how thankful he is for me – hugged me and said how thankful God is that I am here. But in that moment I felt his love for me with just the mere shake of his hand. He did not have to say a word. All the words he had spoken previously had told me he loved me. All the ways he had shown me previously had shown me he loved me. He was not just saying those words to say them. He genuinely meant them. 

I have never felt that kind of love before from someone other than my mother, grandmother, grandfather, aunt or uncle.

My father has never shown me nor have I ever felt this unconditional love before from him. 

This is true love. This is unconditional love. This is the love of our Heavenly Father bestows upon us each and every day no matter what. God’s love is never ending. God’s love knows no boundaries – has no beginning and no end. God loves us when we screw up and when we are being bad and when we repent and when we are doing good. 

The other time I felt this amazing unconditional love was when I was attending a school play with two friends. I have not known these women for even a year yet; however I feel as if I have truly gotten to know them and can trust them. Something which I have a very hard time doing. 

As we were sitting in our seats watching the play, I was thinking of how much I was enjoying the show and being able to be myself and lip-sync along with the show songs (we were watching West Sidr Story) and then I felt this amazing love – an unconditional feeling of love overcome me. I knew it was God letting me know I have once again found another type of love. The unconditional love of friendship. Of friends who are true friends. Friends who will tell you how it is. Friends who will support you. Friends who will keep you connected with God and on the correct path. 

This feeling of unconditional love is unlike anything I can describe. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. 

My wish for everyone is that they experience these two types of love in their life. 

I know there is another love. The love of human for you – you know – that “sexual” type love or whatever you want to call it that you will have with your husband or wife. I’m not married so I have yet to experience that love. But God has a plan for my life. And that plan includes for me to be married. I will experience that type of love.  And when I do it will be amazing jut as God describes it in the Bible. 

Praying for our enemies

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When we pray for our enemies are we doing it with our hearts in the right mode?  Have we forgiven them?  Are we praying for them with our goals in mind or with the goal of their salvation in mind?  What is our heart intention?

Do we know why they are attacking us?  Do we know why they are our enemy?  Do we know why we are under persecution?

Could this person have been a friend previously?  Is this person a family member?  A co-worker?  A neighbor?  A stranger?

Do you know what hurts they have experienced in their life?  Keep in mind we are all broken.   None of us have gone through this life untouched by tragedy.  None of us have come to the place where we are without some battle scars.

God calls us to love our enemies.  To turn the other cheek.  If asked to give your shirt, not only give that but your coat also.  Yes, I’m mixing up the “eye for an eye” and the “love for enemies” sermons from Matthew, but they go hand-in-hand.  It all boils down to love.  A love that we don’t totally understand.  A love that we are not used to.  A love that God showed us by having his one and only son die for our sins.  And still we don’t understand.

So, how do we get to that point of understanding?  How do we get to the point where we turn the other cheek?  Where we understand the other person’s point of view and forgive and love them?  Not harbor any anger or hard feelings?

By remembering all of the times we asked for forgiveness of others when we were cruel.  By remembering when we were mean and nasty to others and *we* were in the wrong and should not have passed judgment and we were the enemy and we were given grace and mercy when it was not deserved by others.  When we remember all of those times (and don’t try to kid yourself that you never acted like that towards other people, because you know you have and you know there are times you still do), then you can forgive people who act like that towards you.  It may take a lot of praying.  But then just pray.  Pray for God to help you.  Pray for God to help them.  Pray for God to save them and bring them into salvation.  Pray for healing in their life.  Pray for God to love on them like no one else has shown them love ever.  But pray.  Ask for other people to pray for them.  But pray.  And keep on praying.

And don’t stop praying because that is what God has asked us to do.  God knows what is best for us.  His Word is true and if His Word says to do it; don’t you think it’s about time we do what He tells us to do?

Teamwork 

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What is teamwork?

Do people working for the same company not all have the same goal or goals in mind?  Do they not all work for the same company? I realize they may have different job duties and responsibilities however should we not all work together to help each other?

Or are we to stay in our own departments and not help when called upon to help?  Where do you draw the line?

When you are asked to help; then how much help do you offer?

When you know someone needs help do you offer to help or do you offer suggestions on how to solve the problem or issue?

Is this instead a boundary issue for those of us who were abused and therefore had our boundaries destroyed?  I know I grew up without knowing my boundaries (I know that now after reading the “Boundaries” book by Dr. Cloud) but how do I implement them?  How do I draw those boundaries?  How do I know when to put them into place?  

Luckily I have a Bohndaries study group next month, but I still will need help putting them to work in my work life and my personal life. 

But then again, is this a boundary issue or am I reading too much into the situations happening?  Am I being too sensitive?  Should I stop offering to help when it is not needed until I understand what boundaries are and how to implement them?

Father God, please provide me guidance, wisdom and assistance. 

Victory Log #10

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Father God:
I praise your name. I worship you and give you thanks. I thank you for being able to worship you today. I thank you for another glorious day. I thank you for saving me, a sinner who does not deserve your grace or mercy.  
Thank you for your everlasting mercy and grace. Thank you for the new mercies each new day.  Thank you for your everlasting love which is abounding and knows no bounds. 
Thank you for giving your son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for not only my sins, but the sins of the whole world so we could have a personal relationship with you. 
Thank you for the blessings you have bestowed upon me. Thank you for the renewing of my mind which you do not only every day but every minute and every second. 
Thank you for the life you have breathed into not only me but those of my friends and family. Thank you for the people whom you have placed into my life. Those who know Christ and those who do not. 
Thank you for blessing me with two new pairs of shoes which will not hurt my left foot. 
Thank you for the potential new kitchen flooring. 
Thank you for the new people I was able to meet at church today. For the new way of praying. For going outside of my comfort zone. Thank you for teaching me new things and showing me new priorities. 
Thank you for the new insight today during my session with Sam. Thank you for the time I was able to spend with him. I ask for blessing and safe travels for Sam while he travels to Korea. 
Thank you the ability to freely attend church and worship and praise your name. Thank you for the ability to spend time with my sisters and brothers in Christ. Thank you for providing me a safe place to come every week.  
Thank you for showing me that I need to be always faithful to you with your money. That I need to be a good steward. 
Thank you for blessing me with the relationship I have with my mother and for having her tell me she loves me. Not by having her say “love you” but by saying “I love you” which means so much more. 
Thank you for loving me and showing me what true love means. You amaze me each and every day and I am so humbled and astonished to be called to be your follower and servant. 

Toxicity……when will it ever stop?

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When will the toxicity stop? When will the losing end?  I’m told that I need to cheer up at work, be more positive. I need to work on my attitude. I need to watch how I respond, how I come across, how I speak, etc.  

I start to listen to audiobooks and read books and listen to podcasts to learn.  I pray every day and ask God for help. I start to change my attitude. I watch what I say. I watch my attitude. I learn to mind my own business. I take responsibility for my mistakes. 

I’ve learned from the book I bought about healing my inner child that I need to understand my conflicts could be my child getting angry and upset and not the adult. 

So how come when I am upbeat and happy and enjoying myself at work, when the toxic one is getting ready to leave for the day does she spring it on me that I am being too happy and too loud?  Why wait until then?  Why not say that I just need to keep it down? Why not say something earlier? Why make it seem demeaning? 

Is this jealousy? Is this just another attempt to ensure I will get fired? Is this another attempt to try to undermine me? Another way to hurt me?

So how do I react? I stew…….and stew……..and stew…………and stew……….and then binge on fast food.

I need to really get to work on healing my child. 

God – are you listening? I need your strength. I need your courage. I need your help!!

Victory Log #9

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Father God:

Thank you for a glorious weekend. Thank you for allowing me to praise and worship you. Thank you for the projects I was able to accomplish. Thank you for allowing me to serve you. Thank you for the time I was able to fellowship with family and friends. Thank you for the wonderful weather. Thank you for my life and for allowing me to live each day and glorify your name. 

Thank you for all of the blessings you have bestowed upon me. Thank you for blessing me with a wonderful and fulfilling job. Thank you for wonderful and encouraging coworkers. Thank you for a wonderful and understanding and uplifting employer. Thank you for blessing my finances and enabling me to be able to be pay off my credit cards. Thank you for the home I live in, the car I drive, the food in my cupboards and the clothes I’m able to wear. 

Thank you for the healing you are doing in my life. Thank you for the strength, courage and encouragement and hope you provide me each and every day and each and every moment of every day. 

Thank you for you abundant and endless love. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and for loving me exactly as I am. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. 

Thank you for putting the people in my life who will help me become the best person possible and will help me grow and be pleasing to you. 
I am honored and humbled to be your servant and your follower.