Tags

, ,

Whatever the circumstances, always believe God works all things together for the good who love him.
My faith in God has helped me tremendously during my journey of recovery from child sexual abuse.

There are days, like now, in which I feel as if I am a great disappointment to God. That He is looking down on me and is very disappointed. I am not seeking Him every day and on weekends I tend to waste the days in, what? I do not know. I am so blue lately that I’m afraid I will never recover and be able to move forward.

I do not want to take drugs to pull myself out of this funk. I would rather do something all-natural which will not ravage my body with bad side effects. But then I am ill-advised as to what to do or what to take.

Then I start to wonder why my faith in God is not enough for me. Why cannot he pull me out of this funk? I know that He will only do for as just so much and then we must exert some work ourselves.

He holds out his hand to me and simply asks me to teach out and grab ahold of it. To not be afraid. To be vulnerable. To trust Him with my life. To give Him control and for me to relinquish it. It is these things which scare me terribly. The control I have over my life makes me feel safe. If I am in control than no one can have any control over me again. No one can abuse me again. To trust Him would mean I would have to open my heart and let Him in — more than I have already. He has not failed me so why am I still afraid? Is it because I do not know what it means to truly love someone and to feel loved by someone? I try to think of those in my life who have loved me and my mind draws a blank. I know people have and still do love me but I have closed myself off from being able to receive that love. It would mean trusting them and I am not sure I can do that either.

Oh how I want help. To be able to feel what others feel. To have good and real relationships with people and not always picking apart what they are saying or falling for another one of their traps.

My journey of recovery will take quite some time. I first began this journey in May, 2015; however I did not get real help until October. My therapist is good and has extensive training in this subject. All the others only lead me on to fill their pocketbooks — they never tried to help.

I will get healthy; this I have no doubt. But the time until then is what I worry about……

Advertisements