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Do you ever feel filthy? Just plain down dirty? And I’m not talking about the outside – I’m talking about the inside. 

The sins you have committed and have been committed against you have stained your soul in such a way that you feel so dirty that no amount of water and soap can make you clean again. No bleach, bleach alternative, homemade remedy, nothing can make you feel clean. 

You stand in the shower hoping that this ritual will somehow wash away a wee bit of the filth; however, you can find no way to wash the inside of yourself. There was a way “he” washed you inside, but you don’t dare go there as that would simply bring back way too many horrible memories. 

So, how does one get the inside of themselves clean?  Back to how they were before the abuse? Back before they committed sins they should not have committed themselves?

I use hot water and a shower puff scrub. It does not work. I use organic soap hoping it will draw out the impurities; yet nothing has made me feel clean. 

I can wash my hair twice a day and still not feel I’ve done a good enough job. I could take a shower twice a day and still feel like I smell – the rotting smell of death that is inside of me seeping out. 

I try essential oils to cover the smell hoping no one notices it. Can they see the vapors as it is seeping out of my pores?

I need to get clean. I’ve been baptized now three times. Twice as a baby and once as an adult and the baptismal bath is calling me again. Is this the answer?  Is this God’s way of showing me He can clean my insides through baptism?  

I must get clean.

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