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Should it be called a spider web? Or is it more apt to call it a huge sucking hole?  One in which it seems that no matter how high you climb, it seems you can never escape. 

Mine comes in waves – days at a time – it strikes out of the blue.  I have no idea what happens nor what brings it on. All I know is I want nothing more than to sleep my days away and not speak or see anyone. I don’t care about life. I don’t care about anything. I’ll go days without taking a shower (thereby making my inner self even dirtier). It takes every fiber of my being to get myself “back into society”.  

Should I put myself into an institution and just put an end to this silliness?  

How do I put a stop to this craziness? Of all of that haunts me of the cause and effect from the abuse, this is the biggest effect on my life. If I could back and change things, it is times like right now – where I have called in sick for 3 days and spent 4 days in bed – that I would re-write history and change events so that I would not have to suffer through this ever again. I have these bouts at least once a month and these are the greatest obstacle I must overcome. Forget about my food addiction, forget about my fear of taking baths, forget about that I fear anyone coming to my house uninvited, forget about any noise in the night that I cannot easily explain – this is the biggest hurdle in my life. It has cost me one job and might very well cost me another job. 

I’m told all I have to do is cry out to God and say a prayer. That He hears all of our prayers. He may not say “yes” to them all, but He does hear them and He does answer them one way or another. I do believe in God. I just have a hard time believing He would answer a prayer from someone like me (that is another post coming up) but I’m at my end. I’ll do and try anything. I just need the right words…….

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