I need to let you know just how truly grateful I am. I know I don’t tell you nearly enough. In fact, lately, all I’ve done is complain. I’ve moaned and groaned and wondered why I’m even here on earth. I’ve lamented as to why I’ve suffered the atrocities that I did in my childhood; why I suffered the pain, rape and tortures which I did in my early 20’s; why the pain and self-hatred continued into my late 20’s and early to mid 30’s.
I realize I’ve attempted to get help as early as my teenage years and even beyond with no success. But you have awoken me now – in this late part of my 40’s – to the hope of healing from my past. You are showing me that I can have a future free from the pain – free from the past — free from the depression.
You are showing me that there is life after abuse. Life after rape. Life after neglect. Life after drugs. Life after darkness. Life after shame. Life after guilt.Life after the porn industry. Oh the life I’ve had………….
You are showing me that I still have hope of finding someone who will love me for who I am.
You are showing me I am capable of losing the weight I have gained and I can run again if I keep moving forward and quit looking back. If I focus on the future and quit speaking negatively.
You are giving me hope and showing me that I have been cleansed of my sins; yet I need to repent of the ones I have committed recently and truly repent – not just say “I’m sorry” and still continue to do them over and over again. I must truly repent in my heart of hearts. I must turn away from the sin and never do it again. Which means – when I don’t “feel” (NOTE: not feeling like doing something is not the same thing as actually doing the act) like getting out of bed and going to work – it means that I must actually GET OUT OF BED – and once I do – I must thank you for getting me up and out of bed and into the shower and out the door and to work. I know that by doing so, I have saved not only myself, but I have saved my job and I have honored you.
You are showing me that I can silence the demons by focusing on you. When I focus on you and not on the negativity; the demons are silenced. When I focus on what you are willing to help me with (I was going to say what you can do for me – but that sounds so selfish, but I know that you know what I mean – it’s not in a selfish way – but how you can help me heal – how you’re teaching me to be more like Christ – how you’re teaching me to follow you) that the other sounds cannot be heard. That I need to make them go away in order to hear your voice.
I discovered tonight that I enjoy the company of people who are enjoying your company as well. Who are wanting to learn more about you as well. That I enjoy being with other followers of Christ.
Most of all, I want to thank you for saving me. For saving me from the destructive path I was following. The path, which had I remained on, surely would have meant I would have ended my life. You know I had attempted to end my life numerous times. One attempt was almost successful but I was only saved by Jodi and her roommate. If not for their intervention, I would not be here to tell you thank you. All of the other attempts, I can honestly state had to be your intervention because there was no one else to save me, except one other and that was Grandma. I suppose you really do have a plan for my life. I may not know what it is yet. I’m still trying to figure that part out. I don’t quite understand why I had to suffer the atrocities which I suffered; however, I know from Romans 8:28, you work all things together for good for those who love you and who are called according to your purpose (I paraphrased).
So, thank you for my life. Thank you for the people you have placed in my life — the fantastic, the good, the frustrating, the bad and the evil. In all of these people, I know you are trying to teach me many lessons. May my ears be opened to hear and my eyes opened to see.