I have not written for at least 6 months. I have been in the tight jaws of that nasty animal called “depression”. It did not want to let go and I fought hard, but alas, I have found hope and see light at the end of the tunnel.
I tried not to let it take over my life and wanted to combat it naturally; however, it was winning. Keeping me isolated, feeling numb, having apathy for all life and having me get to the point that life was simply not worth living.
I have finally succumbed to having to take a prescription medication. It has only Ben approximately 2 weeks, but I can feel a difference. I’m starting to care again – about my home, my body, my appearance. I would go a week without showering. I would only wash my hair and on some days just take a sponge bath. My home has become a complete mess. Doing dishes was a feat. Cleaning the house in any way was more than I could handle.
In addition to this, I hid myself away from everyone. I’ve stopped attending church, didn’t care about my job, could care less if I paid my bills. I had given up on life but was not yet to that final tipping point of ending it all.
I am unsure what has kept me functioning at the level I was. I’m unsure what kept me from ending it all. Whatever it was, I’m still here.
I have a long journey still in front of me. One of healing, forgiveness, ridding myself of guilt and shame. I need to learn to love myself, which seems so very hard to do.
I need to thank my counselor who has kept on me and without him, I think I would surely be dead. I also have a very good friend, Ken, who never gave up on me. He stood by me via text and helped me know that I was cared about and loved. Most of all, I need to thank God, my father, for never giving up on me. For staying by my side. For listening to my cries of fear, frustration and pain. For providing me comfort on those nights I thought I was going insane. It is through him that I am still alive. He is obviously not finished with me yet.
This animal called depression is an evil bastard. He tries to steal your life – and I do mean literally. However, I feel like I’m winning and he is losing. This is a very good feeling.
I can hardly wait to see what the next couple of weeks will bring as the medication does it work and enables me to function as a fully participating human being again.
Thanks to all who follow me and share their stories. When I started on my journey of healing – of trying to no longer be a victim to my childhood sexual abuse – I never knew it would be so difficult and cause so much pain.
Here is to living my life again and continuing on my healing journey.