This road called Recovery….

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…… I’ve been on this road called Recovery for almost a year now.  The anniversary date is fast approaching and I’m not sure if I should be celebrating or if I should be scared.

I know I’ve made some progress; however, the ever self critical person that I am does not think I’ve made enough progress.  How does one know just how much progress one has made on this road of Recovery?  How do you know how much more work you need to do?  How do you measure this stuff?  I have all of these books — ones I’ve read, ones I have yet to read, ones I’m in the midst of reading.  I’m a reader of books since I’m very analytical and that is how I learn and how I know how to recover.

I do like to talk; but I need to take action.  I need to see progress.  I need to see changes.  But how do you changes within yourself?  How do you see changes about yourself?

What have other people done?  What books have other people read?  I know this road is one that is a long road but how long is it?  Are there rest stops along the way?  Are there weigh stations?

This is when I wish I had a support group in which I could talk to other survivors and find out what they did or how they coped or how they handled things.  How their journey on the road went.  I know everyone’s journey is different, but there must be some similarities, correct?  Otherwise there wouldn’t be books written that help people on this road of recovery, would there?

I’m going to an event tomorrow for survivors.  It should be really good and there are several sessions to help abuse survivors to help us with emotional issues and other aspects of our life.  How to cope and other things.  I was not going to go even though I signed up due to the fatigue I’ve been suffering from; but after finding out what the sessions were, I now know I must go.  Tomorrow will be a very busy day for me for sure.  Lots packed in tomorrow.

I must press on and persevere.  I must seek God and ensure I ask for His strength and courage to keep going.  To not lose hope and keep going.  I know this road of recovery is for my benefit and will only help me if I want to reach my goals.

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Victory Log #8

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Lord:

Thank you for ensuring I got out of bed today.  Thank you for the glorious rest I had last night.  Thank you for the great day today.  The great weather (the sunshine, the hail, the spitting snow).  Thank you for the commitment of walking for a half an hour at lunch.  Thank you for the great people I work with.  Thank you for the great family I have.  Thank you for the friends I have.  Thank you for providing me with the basic needs and the not so basic needs.  Thank you for ensuring that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my stomach, a car to drive and so many other things that are not only basic needs but wants also.

Thank you for providing me with opportunities for other avenues for healing.  Thank you for providing me with the strength and courage to continue on my path of recovery whenever I feel like giving up.  Thank you for giving me the hope that I need to survive and continue on.  Thank you for being my guiding and shining light.  Thank you for always being there when I have no one else to turn to because it’s the middle of the night or I feel like I might be bothering someone or I will be pestering them or I think they “just won’t understand” or I think “they’ll just think I’m crazy and they’ll call the police or the authorities and have me committed”.  Thank you for always understanding me and never judging me.  Thank you for loving me just the way I am.  Thank you for always encouraging me and helping me to become the best person I can be.

I am so fortunate to be able to live each and every day on this planet and with the people you have put into my life.  I am so honored and humbled to be able to share my struggles, victories and life with the people around me.  I rejoice in the love you provide me and the grace you show me.

I am yours now and forever.  Nothing can separate me from you.  Nothing will ever make me leave you.  Nothing will ever make me stop loving you.  Nothing will ever make me stop following you.  Thank you for saving a sinner like me.  Thank you for saving my life.

What if……

…… do you ever have those moments?  Do you ever think those thoughts?

What would tomorrow look like if all you were able to receive was what you were thankful for today?  Would that change what you were thankful?  Would the level of your gratitude change?  Would you reconsider what you were thankful?  Would you think differently about what exactly you are thankful for?  Would you start a list?  Check it twice?  Ensure you didn’t miss anything?

What if there was a fire and you had 20 minutes to grab whatever you could….. what would you take?  What if you only had 10 minutes?  What if you only had 5 minutes?  Think about what really matters to you.  What are you placing value on?

Now let’s move to your closet……. what have you not worn in the last year?  Would you wear it ever again?  Does it even fit you?  What have you not worn in the last 6 months?  Have you thought of tagging your clothes and then seeing if you wear them in the next 4 months?  Or moving them to another closet and seeing if you “miss” them?  How about selling them at a rummage sale this summer and then donating the ones that don’t sell?

Now the kitchen……… those plastic containers and dishes….. do you really use every single one of them?  Do you have lids for them all?  I actually used to buy a ton of Tupperware and went through all of mine a couple of years ago.  Anything I did not have a lid for, was tossed or given away to a needy place that I knew could use it.  The “lesser” brand plastic items were tossed.  How about the rest of the items in your kitchen?  Do you have multiples of items that you’re not using but they still work?  Could you donate them to a local homeless shelter so when someone moves out they have supplies?  Or could you donate them to another agency for when a family suffers a loss they can come there to get much needed supplies?

 

Help Log

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Lord:

I need your help. I know I normally do a victory log, but today/tonight I need your help. 

I am tired – really tired. I’m exhausted. Fatigued. Feeling run down. I think it is all the gluten-laden foods I’ve been eating that I know I should be staying away from, so I will keep away from them. Which I know means no more poor man’s cafe mocha (coffee with hot chocolate ).  I will wait the 14 days to see if my symptoms start to clear up as well before I panic and call my doctor. 

Can you help me with the decision regarding my job? Should I stay or should I go? Do I stay here or do I travel? It’s times like this when I really do wish you would either call me on the phone or send me an email or text me. I know you do communicate, but I just need to settle my mind and clear out all the noise and listen. Or I need to focus on your Word and actually spend time reading your Word and you’ll give me the answer as clear as day. Ken has told me already that you’ve given me the answer. But that crazy thing called fear just keeps on creeping on back in and I keep on having my doubts instead of remaining steadfast and trusting you. 

I do have some requests that don’t have anything to do with me though. 

Can you please take care of Dana?  She’s really sick and she needs your help. She went to the doctor but she is hurting really bad and really needs only the help you can provide. 

I also want to pray for Donna. She is going through radiation treatments or some sort of treatments now for her breast cancer and she just needs encouragement and strength to get through this time. She needs your comfort and strength. She also needs a reminder that just getting through this time is a testament of her faith. 

I want to pray for all of my co-workers. Thank you for providing me with such a great group of people to work with. Thank you for their individuality, their different experiences which they bring and their gifts and talents. Thank you for how they enrich my life each and every day. Thank you for enabling them to show me how to be the best person I can be. 

I want to pray for my friends. Thank you for planting each and every one of them in my life. You have blessed me with different people over the years – and they have impacted my life in many different ways – but whether or not they are still a part of my life, they have all taught me something. Valuable life lessons that I will never forget. Lessons that I would otherwise never learned and would not be able to teach others about. 

Most importantly, I thank you for each and every day that I am alive and am able to praise and worship you. 

Victory Log #7

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God:

Do you ever have days where you wish we, those who were made in your image, would just get our lives together?  I sometimes wonder things such as that….. As I sit here and wonder.  I know you want a relationship with all of us.  You want all of us to believe in you.  To surrender to you.  To have faith in you.  I’m listening to a debate online right now between an atheist and a former Muslim, who is now a christian and it is very interesting.  However, it makes me wonder about different things at times.  Like now…….

I know I pray every morning to you.  You’ve helped me so much; yet I feel so small in comparison to you.  I’ve been working so hard on remaining positive, but I feel my strength waning.  Not my strength in you, but I’m feeling very tired.  Very fatigued.  But it is my physical strength or my mental strength.  I just want to sleep.  I feel like I did when I was Vitamin D toxic.  I’m wondering if I should go back to the doctor and see if something is wrong again.  The fatigue is something pretty bad again and I haven’t felt like this in quite awhile.  I guess I better call.  It takes everything to keep going for me.

I’m encouraged to be listening to a really great podcast called Life is a Marathon @LifeIs262 and love it!  I’m also listening to a book on cd entitled “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Vincent Norman Peale.  It’s been fantastic so far.  I’ve also purchased the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 to read and learn from.  I have plenty to keep me busy and to help me work further on my healing.  I give you thanks and praise for all of the tools you are giving me to help me continue on my road of recovery.

I thank you for ensuring I didn’t lose my cool today at work.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to walk 2.5 miles today at work on my lunch hour.  Thank you for the sunshine.  Thank you for stopping me from calling and ordering take-out which I did not need and would have cost me way more money than I needed to spend and instead making dinner myself.  Thank you for helping me learn to be more humble, learning to love people for who they are, learning to love people period, learning to have more discernment, learning to not take things personally, learning to have more wisdom, learning to have patience.  For being grateful for what I have and not needing or wanting more than I already have.  For being content.  For all of the blessings you have poured out on me and into my life.  You have bestowed upon me so many riches that I am astounded.

Thank you for continually enriching my life by bringing to mind that you can help me if I simply come to you and ask for your help.  If I remember to call out to you.  If I remember to come to you first instead of last.  If I remember to pray without ceasing.  You are faithful as long as I am faithful as well.

I need to learn from the knee of my teacher.  Help me to learn.  Help me to grow.  Provide me with the need.  Provide me with the want.to know more.

I know all things are possible through Jesus Christ, according to His will.  May His will be done, here on Earth, as it is done in Heaven.  May I be a blessing in Your eyes.  May my heart please you.  Please continue to renew my mind and change my heart.

Your faithful servant………….

Walking, Walking, Walking

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So, I’ve been walking for about 3 weeks now.  I really enjoy it when I have a walking buddy.  I believe it’s the relationship/camaraderie aspect that I really enjoy.  It makes walking that much more enjoyable.

I’ve been walking every day at work at lunch. I make sure to walk at least for a half hour and walk for almost 2 miles. I then try to get the remainder of my 10,000 miles in during the remainder of the day. I need to start walking even more by either getting up earlier or walking at night. I think getting up earlier will be the better option. This way my day starts off with more energy. 

This really is helping me be more positive along with just making me feel better overall. Emotionally I feel better. The migraines have eased off. The fatigue I will pray to God that it leaves me as well. I am working on my weight and will pray for God to continue to help me with my weight and help me to achieve my healthy weight goal. I want to start running again and would also like to do yoga as well, but need to lose more weight before I can do either of those things. 

Thank you, Lord, for helping me achieve the goals so far without your strength and encouragement I would have not made it this far. You are the rock upon which I put my everything on. 

Victory Log #6

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Father God:

Thank you for my life. Thank you for allowing me to live another day today. Thank you for allowing me to worship and praise you.

Thank you for ensuring I got out of bed and made it to work today. Thank you for all of the people whom I work with and who I interact with at work even if it is simply saying “hi” to. It enables me to smile to them and make a small impact on their day. It allows me to ask how their day is or say how I like their shirt or say something to them so they know someone cares.

Thank you for providing me with a walking partner. She has enriched my life just by being there. Just by listening to me. Helping me to sort things out.

Thank you for the true friends you have put into my life. Thank you for their strength, their wisdom and their love.

Thank you for the church I attend and all of the loving people who have helped me with my recovery. They have been so incredibly caring and kind. I thank you for leading me to the church in the first place.  You are so wonderful in the way you work things out!  It still baffles my mind how you do that!

Thank you for the blessings you have poured out in my life.  Thank you for the daily bread you provide me. Thank you for blessing my finances.  For providing me with sufficient means to pay my rent, my car payment, my car insurance and all the other bills I have.  I know you will see me through my financial situation so that I will be financially secure and be debt free.  I will remain steadfast with you by my side.

Thank you for keeping me faithful to my exercise regimen of walking daily.  Thank you for giving me the strength to make it through the day.  Thank you for everything.  I love you with every breath I take and every fiber of my being.

Food Addictions

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I never wanted to believe that I was truly addicted to food.  I wanted to keep my head buried in the sand.  I wanted to blame my weight issues on other factors – PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), insulin resistance, my gut/stomach issues, not exercising, etc.

I used to weigh a heck of a lot more than I do now.  I was at one point 375 pounds.  I’m now 221 pounds.  I did get down 165, but then gained 20 pounds and was at 185 and was happy there.  But then the bottom dropped out in my life and I gained more weight and have been hovering around the 225/220 area for awhile now.

I’m supposed to stay away from gluten-laden foods and anything processed since it aggravates my stomach/gut issues plus it will raise my blood sugars and I don’t want to go back on medication for my PCOS.  I’ve been eating at fast food restaurants, or going to the supermarket delis and grabbing food that is not good for me.

For the past 3 weeks, I’ve been exercising every day.  I’ve been walking every day at lunch for at least a half hour and ensuring I reach my goal of 10,000 steps.  But this does no good if I’m not eating healthy.

Yesterday, as I’m on the treadmill at work for the 2nd time in an effort to reach my 10,000 steps, and am not liking being on the treadmill, I start praying to God.  I figure I should make the best use of my time.  I’m not sure if God would agree with my thinking, but to me it worked.  I was trying to remain positive about my workout and my purpose and my plan.  Look at all of those “my’s”.  Those really should be replaced with God’s purpose and God’s plan……. I digress……..  anyway, I asked God for help with my food addiction. It just popped into my head.  Out of nowhere!  So I prayed and asked for the help.

So, when I went to the grocery store for only a couple of things (and ended up with a whole basket full of good food – and I’m not kidding either) I did roam past the aisle with dip for potato chips and my favorite dip was not there.  So I took that to be God’s hand had played a role and He had answered my prayer to help me with my food addiction.  No favorite dip meant I would not be buying any potato chips and dip.  Whenever I would buy this duo meant I would eat the whole bag and container in one sitting and then feel incredibly sick for two days.  Additionally, I would also feel guilty and like a fat pig  for almost a month afterward.

So, score one for God!  He does answer prayers.  He does care about the little prayers.  The things that we think he could care less about.

I will still have to conquer my food addictions each and every day.  This is a battle I need to deal with until I deal with the underlying issues of my child sexual abuse.  I realize that is where the root of my food addictions lie.  Who would have thought that they are interconnected?  How odd………….

However, I have God by my side.  I have the biggest and best warrior on my side.  I have the best weapon to be able to defeat this addiction – GOD!

I’m going to be forward thinking.  I’m going to be thanking God every day that he helped me to defeat my food additions.  I’m going with the thought pattern that my food addictions are already defeated.  That I am no longer a slave to the food addictions.  That I no longer like those nasty foods.  That I am no longer lured by them.  That God will deliver me from the food addictions.

For when you have a God as great as the God I worship and praise, what or who can be against you?  NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Victory Log #5

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Father God:

Thank you for ensuring I was able to complete the project for the state agency which was required to be done early yesterday and so I didn’t need to work all weekend.

Thank you for allowing me to be at church last night.  I am grateful to be able to serve you, worship you and be able to learn more about Your Word.  To be in Your presence is amazing and I did not want it to end….. so I will learn how to keep that alive and learn how to enjoy your presence every moment of every day.

Thank you for showing me that I can pray will walking on the treadmill.  That I can look up to you and pray and receive encouragement from you when I feel as if I will give up.

Thank you for answering my prayers regarding my food addiction yesterday.

Thank you for showing me clarification through Ken yesterday.  You have truly blessed me with his friendship and his teaching and guidance.

Thank you for the friendship of Bonnie and Mike.  They have come to mean so much to me.

Thank you for such a wonderful pastor as pastor Dave Clark.  His caring for his flock and loving them as he does is simply amazing.

Thank you for allowing me to find the time to walk as much as I did even though I really didn’t feel like it.

Thank you for the really weird weather yesterday.  It was quite amazing to see and experience.

Thank you for allowing me to live another amazing day!

Victory Log #4

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Father God –

Thank you for providing me the opportunity to see the movie “Do You Believe?” last night with my church family. The movie truly spoke to me and made me reflect on how am I living my life for Christ?  Do I **really** believe? If I do how am I showing it? If I were put on trial for being a Christian would there be enough evidence to convict me?

Thank you for allowing me another day to live for you. To praise and worship you. To glorify your name. To be a light unto the world. To do good works in your name. 

Thank you for helping me finish the annual compliance reporting for IHDA. Thank you for helping me ensure I completed the necessary work for The Work Number. 

Thank you for helping me complete 10,000 steps yesterday even though I wanted to give up.

Thank you for ensuring I woke up early in order to get to work early and get extra work done. 

Thank you for the people I work with who do the best job they can each and every day. Who have their own struggles but being such joy to my life. 

Thank you for helping me to be more grateful and compassionate and mindful.