abuse recovery, child sexual abuse, christianity, christiantiy, Depression, Emotional Healing, Emotional Health, emotional recovery, faith, forgiveness, God, mental health, ptsd, recovery, self love, Sexual Abuse Recovery, shame, survivor, trauma recovery
I email and interact with quite a few Christian web sites and venues. As such, I receive emails inquiring if I need any assistance or if they can pray for me for anything, etc.
I was asked via a recent email from Godlife.com if I knew about God and if they could pray for me about something specifically. If you have read my recent blog post, you know I’m on a roll, so of course, I had to respond. Well, here is my response to Godlife.com:
“I do know Christ and have been saved; however, I’ve grown away from God – quite far away. I have bouts in my life where I grow away from him as I have this disconnect between my logical brain and my heart. I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse and am still in recovery. My recovery began in October, 2015 and I am still struggling with all that entails. I have shelves and shelves of Christian books on just about every topic. I have countless Bibles and different ones and types. I subscribe to all types of newsletters and devotionals and have taken countless classes. Where the disconnect happens is what I stated earlier – between my logical brain and my heart. I know what the Bible states – God loves me. He sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins and he has forgiven me for my sins as long as I confess those sins.
I was raised a Catholic. There was a time when I first started my road of recovery when I had this mantra that would not shut off. It was “forgive me father for I have sinned”. That is how it started, yet it grew. The mantra would grow in length. I’m not sure if I can remember it all now; however, I finally was overcome and had to go to a Catholic priest and confess my sins. Not once, not twice, but three times. It helped, the mantra ended, I felt better for awhile, but I didn’t feel clean. I wasn’t cleansed.
That is what I want to feel. I want to feel clean. I want to be cleansed. I want to have my sins washed away. I want them to be forgiven and not to be remembered but I don’t believe that is possible because I can remember them. I will always remember them. My logical brain cannot comprehend how God cannot remember. How He cannot see what was done to me. How He cannot see the shame, the humiliation, the pain, the suffering.
I’ve been baptized – 3 times actually. Twice as a baby and once as an adult. I’ve thought that once I was “healed” from my abuse that I would be baptized again and then I could rise out of the water again and then I would feel cleansed and whole; but I don’t think it is possible. The dirt that is inside is so deep and so ingrained that I don’t believe anything can wash it away. There is no amount of scrubbing. No amount of soaking.
So what do I do instead? I hide. I hide my imperfection by trying to be perfect via my career. I hide my imperfection by not exercising and being fat because then you cannot see the dirt inside. However, now, for some very strange unknown reason, the fat makes me feel disgusting. I’ve been fat for the majority of my life; yet once I knew what it felt like to be skinny and normal, I now don’t want to be fat any longer. Yet, I’ve become fat again and can’t stand it. I look at myself and can’t figure out how I could live in a body that was over a 100 pounds heavier than I am now. I think I’m disgusting now – how much more disgusting I must have been back then!
I also isolate myself. I cut off my family. I make no attempt to make friends. Anyone who attempts to be a friend I cut off or I may make noise to be a friend, but then I shut down. It’s too hard to be friends. I have too many walls up. I have major trust issues. Then the depression kicks in. The bipolar issues. The PTSD. The list just goes on and on. How could anyone even think to want to be with someone like me. I’m single, can’t even get a boyfriend let alone a husband. The only men I can get are either married or dating someone and only looking for someone to have sex with.
So, you ask such a simple question as to what more specifically you could pray for me? My answer is I have no idea. I’ve gone over 2 months without a job because I couldn’t get out of bed due to depression; therefore, I’m now struggling with credit card companies hounding me every day calling for payment. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my rent, my car payment, insurance, internet, food and get a job. I’ve royally screwed up my life for not the first time in my wretched life, but the 3rd. And most likely will not be the last. I’m tired, so very tired. I just want to be normal and am wondering why in the hell if God is so good and has such a great plan for me did he allow someone so bloody awful to do something so incredibly cruel to me so that it would royally screw up my life so flipping bad. There are days that I wish all of those times I tried to kill myself would have succeeded because then I would not hurt so much and my life would not be so screwed up right now. I would not continue to make such really bad decisions.
What I need is a handbook. Something or someone to help guide me – step by step – on what to do – quite literally. I cannot do this by myself. No one seems to get that. I know and realize I rebel and say I’m an adult, but what no one gets is that there is this 2 to 8-year-old girl inside that is stuck. She never got to grow up. And until she is allowed to get out, grow up, be nurtured and loved; I’m stuck.
Thanks for reaching out. Thank you for listening. Thank you for doing what you do. For helping people. For being a believer. For loving God and for being there for those of us who need you.”