Godlife.com

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abuse recovery, child sexual abuse, christianity, christiantiy, Depression, Emotional Healing, Emotional Health, emotional recovery, faith, forgiveness, God, mental health, ptsd, recovery, self love, Sexual Abuse Recovery, shame, survivor, trauma recovery

I email and interact with quite a few Christian web sites and venues. As such, I receive emails inquiring if I need any assistance or if they can pray for me for anything, etc.

I was asked via a recent email from Godlife.com if I knew about God and if they could pray for me about something specifically. If you have read my recent blog post, you know I’m on a roll, so of course, I had to respond. Well, here is my response to Godlife.com:

“I do know Christ and have been saved; however, I’ve grown away from God – quite far away. I have bouts in my life where I grow away from him as I have this disconnect between my logical brain and my heart. I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse and am still in recovery. My recovery began in October, 2015 and I am still struggling with all that entails. I have shelves and shelves of Christian books on just about every topic. I have countless Bibles and different ones and types. I subscribe to all types of newsletters and devotionals and have taken countless classes. Where the disconnect happens is what I stated earlier – between my logical brain and my heart. I know what the Bible states – God loves me. He sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins and he has forgiven me for my sins as long as I confess those sins.

I was raised a Catholic. There was a time when I first started my road of recovery when I had this mantra that would not shut off. It was “forgive me father for I have sinned”. That is how it started, yet it grew. The mantra would grow in length. I’m not sure if I can remember it all now; however, I finally was overcome and had to go to a Catholic priest and confess my sins. Not once, not twice, but three times. It helped, the mantra ended, I felt better for awhile, but I didn’t feel clean. I wasn’t cleansed.

That is what I want to feel. I want to feel clean. I want to be cleansed. I want to have my sins washed away. I want them to be forgiven and not to be remembered but I don’t believe that is possible because I can remember them. I will always remember them. My logical brain cannot comprehend how God cannot remember. How He cannot see what was done to me. How He cannot see the shame, the humiliation, the pain, the suffering.

I’ve been baptized – 3 times actually. Twice as a baby and once as an adult. I’ve thought that once I was “healed” from my abuse that I would be baptized again and then I could rise out of the water again and then I would feel cleansed and whole; but I don’t think it is possible. The dirt that is inside is so deep and so ingrained that I don’t believe anything can wash it away. There is no amount of scrubbing. No amount of soaking.

So what do I do instead? I hide. I hide my imperfection by trying to be perfect via my career. I hide my imperfection by not exercising and being fat because then you cannot see the dirt inside. However, now, for some very strange unknown reason, the fat makes me feel disgusting. I’ve been fat for the majority of my life; yet once I knew what it felt like to be skinny and normal, I now don’t want to be fat any longer. Yet, I’ve become fat again and can’t stand it. I look at myself and can’t figure out how I could live in a body that was over a 100 pounds heavier than I am now. I think I’m disgusting now – how much more disgusting I must have been back then!

I also isolate myself. I cut off my family. I make no attempt to make friends. Anyone who attempts to be a friend I cut off or I may make noise to be a friend, but then I shut down. It’s too hard to be friends. I have too many walls up. I have major trust issues. Then the depression kicks in. The bipolar issues. The PTSD. The list just goes on and on. How could anyone even think to want to be with someone like me. I’m single, can’t even get a boyfriend let alone a husband. The only men I can get are either married or dating someone and only looking for someone to have sex with.

So, you ask such a simple question as to what more specifically you could pray for me? My answer is I have no idea. I’ve gone over 2 months without a job because I couldn’t get out of bed due to depression; therefore, I’m now struggling with credit card companies hounding me every day calling for payment. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my rent, my car payment, insurance, internet, food and get a job. I’ve royally screwed up my life for not the first time in my wretched life, but the 3rd. And most likely will not be the last. I’m tired, so very tired. I just want to be normal and am wondering why in the hell if God is so good and has such a great plan for me did he allow someone so bloody awful to do something so incredibly cruel to me so that it would royally screw up my life so flipping bad. There are days that I wish all of those times I tried to kill myself would have succeeded because then I would not hurt so much and my life would not be so screwed up right now. I would not continue to make such really bad decisions.

What I need is a handbook. Something or someone to help guide me – step by step – on what to do – quite literally. I cannot do this by myself. No one seems to get that. I know and realize I rebel and say I’m an adult, but what no one gets is that there is this 2 to 8-year-old girl inside that is stuck. She never got to grow up. And until she is allowed to get out, grow up, be nurtured and loved; I’m stuck.

Thanks for reaching out. Thank you for listening. Thank you for doing what you do. For helping people. For being a believer. For loving God and for being there for those of us who need you.”

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goTandem

Tags

Depression, Emotional Health, mental health, recovery, suicide

This is my email to goTandem. If you’ve not heard of them, then look them up at http://www.gotandem.com. They are awesome! They sent me an email today asking how they could pray for me today and this was my response and I thought I would share it…….

“I have lost my way. I have been in a very deep depression since the end of 2017. I’ve been sleeping crazy (sleeping endlessly or up for hours on end and not sleeping at all); I’ve gone days without bathing (usually an entire week); not brushing my teeth at all (for almost a month at a time – if memory serves me correctly); barely any contact with anyone from the outside world. I finally lost my job on February 9, 2018 and because of my lack of notifying my employer of my “illness” and inability to come into work, I was denied unemployment. I began looking for a job the week of February 12th and have been unable to secure a job. I have no savings whatsoever. I have had a few interviews and have been applying for jobs; however, I was making pretty good money and am up to debt to my eyeballs, so I need a somewhat good paying job in order to keep the hounds at bay. I feel like a total failure and I realize that I’m asking God to get me out the jam I’ve gotten myself into. This is truly a story of I’m reaping what I’ve sowed and I know that. I have no one to blame but myself. I have no health insurance so I can’t continue to see my counselor; whom I’m sure would chastise me and tell me to grow up and for a change take charge of my life. I know better, I know that I need to face facts and grow up; but there just seems to be this part of me that wants to run and hide. That wants someone to tell me that it’s alright. That some part of what I did was of no fault of mine. That all the nasty crap that happened to me – the abuse and screwed up stuff – well, I don’t know. I just need it fixed. I just want to be normal. How do I fix the past and become normal? How do I fix the past and that child who never was able to be a child? Who was always afraid and scared and hurt? Who tried to cry out but was terrified? Who is the one rebelling now and screwing up the adult life? Who is isolating and running scared and just wanting to be held and told it will be okay and that she is loved and that she is pretty but not in “that way”? That love does not mean sex?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Your service has always meant a great deal to me. One of these days I’ll stop thinking God doesn’t think I’m dirty and awful and bad, That I’m actually good enough to be loved. One of these days the logical part of my brain, which knows God loves me no matter what will catch up with my very hard and wall-protected heart but there is a lot of chipping and crumbling and wall breaking to do in the meantime.

Keep doing what you guys are doing. Keep praying and keep reaching out to those of us in need. Each time you do it tell us that we matter and that is just the little bit of hope we all need and gives us the strength to go on another day. To keep us from giving up. To keep us from saying good-bye. To let us know that it is all worth it in the end.”

I’ve gotten a bit better since February 9, 2018. I’ve actually started taking regular showers and began brushing my teeth regularly as well. I still have little to no contact with the outside world other than interviews or some text messages. I am becoming increasingly worried regarding my health, so I suppose I need to start exercising soon. I have lost some weight, but that could be attributed to lack of movement as opposed to anything else.

I know I need to start functioning again as a real human being, but this has been extremely hard and pretty scary. I either wanted to have EST (electric shock therapy) and have my brain shocked back into normalcy or become a permanent resident of a facility where their rooms had rubber or padded walls. This is what has become my life.

I am not sure what the trigger was that began the major downward spiral and I’m not going to dwell on it (unless I’m forced to); however, I need to start working on getting out of the darn pit I’m in or I’ll most likely die in here — unless that is what I truly want. I haven’t dwelled on that thought much…… odd isn’t it. Most people with my issues would most likely swing to that thought but I haven’t.

Anyway, thanks for listening and let’s keep the ball rollling upwards.

Numb……… Is there hope?

Tags

child sexual abuse, Emotional Healing, recovery

Do you ever feel numb? You have used up all of your emotions and you are to the point of not being able to feel any longer. You want to keep moving forward but the overwhelming emotions you have been feeling during recovery have made it impossible for you to care any longer – about anything or anyone.

I have come to this point. I am tired of doing the work – I’m tired of feeling all of these emotions – I’m exhausted and don’t want to feel any longer. I don’t want to care about anything or anyone. 

I realize it would be living in a vacuum if I stopped feeling; therefore I need to figure things out. I need to continue to move forward and push through this patch I’ve come across. It feels more like a mud I’m trying to get through or perhaps quicksand. 

I was at the bottom of my garbage bag just a few months ago. I’ve managed to bring myself up towards the top but I’m not at the top. I, unfortunately, feel as if I’m slipping back down.

God – Abba Father – please help me!  I cannot do this without you. I am not strong enough. I am not able to continue without your loving support, strength and wisdom. I cry out to you – please hear my cry – hear my plea – I need you.  I need your help.  I’m a lost lamb searching for my shepherd.

I have so much work left to do. So much more healing I need to experience. I need to cry, I need to shout, I need to get mad and angry, I need to resolve all the hurt and bitterness. How can I continue? Where do I find my strength to keep going?  How do I find purpose in the journey?

Whenever I think of the abuse, I think of the betrayal.  I think of the childhood I lost. I do feel sad for that little lost girl. She wants so much to feel accepted – to be wanted – to feel loved. I need the feelings of worthlessness to go away. I need to feel as if I have worth – that I have value. That I am making a difference. 

I pray the healing continues, I pray that God hears my cry, my plea and sees my tears. 

The journey must continue – I just need to be strong……..

This road called Recovery….

Tags

child sexual abuse, child sexual abuse recovery, Child sexual abuse survivor, Emotional Healing, Emotional Health, emotional recovery, recovery, survivor

…… I’ve been on this road called Recovery for almost a year now.  The anniversary date is fast approaching and I’m not sure if I should be celebrating or if I should be scared.

I know I’ve made some progress; however, the ever self critical person that I am does not think I’ve made enough progress.  How does one know just how much progress one has made on this road of Recovery?  How do you know how much more work you need to do?  How do you measure this stuff?  I have all of these books — ones I’ve read, ones I have yet to read, ones I’m in the midst of reading.  I’m a reader of books since I’m very analytical and that is how I learn and how I know how to recover.

I do like to talk; but I need to take action.  I need to see progress.  I need to see changes.  But how do you changes within yourself?  How do you see changes about yourself?

What have other people done?  What books have other people read?  I know this road is one that is a long road but how long is it?  Are there rest stops along the way?  Are there weigh stations?

This is when I wish I had a support group in which I could talk to other survivors and find out what they did or how they coped or how they handled things.  How their journey on the road went.  I know everyone’s journey is different, but there must be some similarities, correct?  Otherwise there wouldn’t be books written that help people on this road of recovery, would there?

I’m going to an event tomorrow for survivors.  It should be really good and there are several sessions to help abuse survivors to help us with emotional issues and other aspects of our life.  How to cope and other things.  I was not going to go even though I signed up due to the fatigue I’ve been suffering from; but after finding out what the sessions were, I now know I must go.  Tomorrow will be a very busy day for me for sure.  Lots packed in tomorrow.

I must press on and persevere.  I must seek God and ensure I ask for His strength and courage to keep going.  To not lose hope and keep going.  I know this road of recovery is for my benefit and will only help me if I want to reach my goals.

Help Log

Tags

christianity, Emotional Healing, faith, recovery, victory log

Lord:

I need your help. I know I normally do a victory log, but today/tonight I need your help. 

I am tired – really tired. I’m exhausted. Fatigued. Feeling run down. I think it is all the gluten-laden foods I’ve been eating that I know I should be staying away from, so I will keep away from them. Which I know means no more poor man’s cafe mocha (coffee with hot chocolate ).  I will wait the 14 days to see if my symptoms start to clear up as well before I panic and call my doctor. 

Can you help me with the decision regarding my job? Should I stay or should I go? Do I stay here or do I travel? It’s times like this when I really do wish you would either call me on the phone or send me an email or text me. I know you do communicate, but I just need to settle my mind and clear out all the noise and listen. Or I need to focus on your Word and actually spend time reading your Word and you’ll give me the answer as clear as day. Ken has told me already that you’ve given me the answer. But that crazy thing called fear just keeps on creeping on back in and I keep on having my doubts instead of remaining steadfast and trusting you. 

I do have some requests that don’t have anything to do with me though. 

Can you please take care of Dana?  She’s really sick and she needs your help. She went to the doctor but she is hurting really bad and really needs only the help you can provide. 

I also want to pray for Donna. She is going through radiation treatments or some sort of treatments now for her breast cancer and she just needs encouragement and strength to get through this time. She needs your comfort and strength. She also needs a reminder that just getting through this time is a testament of her faith. 

I want to pray for all of my co-workers. Thank you for providing me with such a great group of people to work with. Thank you for their individuality, their different experiences which they bring and their gifts and talents. Thank you for how they enrich my life each and every day. Thank you for enabling them to show me how to be the best person I can be. 

I want to pray for my friends. Thank you for planting each and every one of them in my life. You have blessed me with different people over the years – and they have impacted my life in many different ways – but whether or not they are still a part of my life, they have all taught me something. Valuable life lessons that I will never forget. Lessons that I would otherwise never learned and would not be able to teach others about. 

Most importantly, I thank you for each and every day that I am alive and am able to praise and worship you. 

Walking, Walking, Walking

Tags

Emotional Health, faith, recovery, walking, weight loss

So, I’ve been walking for about 3 weeks now.  I really enjoy it when I have a walking buddy.  I believe it’s the relationship/camaraderie aspect that I really enjoy.  It makes walking that much more enjoyable.

I’ve been walking every day at work at lunch. I make sure to walk at least for a half hour and walk for almost 2 miles. I then try to get the remainder of my 10,000 miles in during the remainder of the day. I need to start walking even more by either getting up earlier or walking at night. I think getting up earlier will be the better option. This way my day starts off with more energy. 

This really is helping me be more positive along with just making me feel better overall. Emotionally I feel better. The migraines have eased off. The fatigue I will pray to God that it leaves me as well. I am working on my weight and will pray for God to continue to help me with my weight and help me to achieve my healthy weight goal. I want to start running again and would also like to do yoga as well, but need to lose more weight before I can do either of those things. 

Thank you, Lord, for helping me achieve the goals so far without your strength and encouragement I would have not made it this far. You are the rock upon which I put my everything on.