Do you ever feel numb? You have used up all of your emotions and you are to the point of not being able to feel any longer. You want to keep moving forward but the overwhelming emotions you have been feeling during recovery have made it impossible for you to care any longer – about anything or anyone.
I have come to this point. I am tired of doing the work – I’m tired of feeling all of these emotions – I’m exhausted and don’t want to feel any longer. I don’t want to care about anything or anyone.
I realize it would be living in a vacuum if I stopped feeling; therefore I need to figure things out. I need to continue to move forward and push through this patch I’ve come across. It feels more like a mud I’m trying to get through or perhaps quicksand.
I was at the bottom of my garbage bag just a few months ago. I’ve managed to bring myself up towards the top but I’m not at the top. I, unfortunately, feel as if I’m slipping back down.
God – Abba Father – please help me! I cannot do this without you. I am not strong enough. I am not able to continue without your loving support, strength and wisdom. I cry out to you – please hear my cry – hear my plea – I need you. I need your help. I’m a lost lamb searching for my shepherd.
I have so much work left to do. So much more healing I need to experience. I need to cry, I need to shout, I need to get mad and angry, I need to resolve all the hurt and bitterness. How can I continue? Where do I find my strength to keep going? How do I find purpose in the journey?
Whenever I think of the abuse, I think of the betrayal. I think of the childhood I lost. I do feel sad for that little lost girl. She wants so much to feel accepted – to be wanted – to feel loved. I need the feelings of worthlessness to go away. I need to feel as if I have worth – that I have value. That I am making a difference.
I pray the healing continues, I pray that God hears my cry, my plea and sees my tears.
The journey must continue – I just need to be strong……..