Numb……… Is there hope?

Tags

child sexual abuse, Emotional Healing, recovery

Do you ever feel numb? You have used up all of your emotions and you are to the point of not being able to feel any longer. You want to keep moving forward but the overwhelming emotions you have been feeling during recovery have made it impossible for you to care any longer – about anything or anyone.

I have come to this point. I am tired of doing the work – I’m tired of feeling all of these emotions – I’m exhausted and don’t want to feel any longer. I don’t want to care about anything or anyone. 

I realize it would be living in a vacuum if I stopped feeling; therefore I need to figure things out. I need to continue to move forward and push through this patch I’ve come across. It feels more like a mud I’m trying to get through or perhaps quicksand. 

I was at the bottom of my garbage bag just a few months ago. I’ve managed to bring myself up towards the top but I’m not at the top. I, unfortunately, feel as if I’m slipping back down.

God – Abba Father – please help me!  I cannot do this without you. I am not strong enough. I am not able to continue without your loving support, strength and wisdom. I cry out to you – please hear my cry – hear my plea – I need you.  I need your help.  I’m a lost lamb searching for my shepherd.

I have so much work left to do. So much more healing I need to experience. I need to cry, I need to shout, I need to get mad and angry, I need to resolve all the hurt and bitterness. How can I continue? Where do I find my strength to keep going?  How do I find purpose in the journey?

Whenever I think of the abuse, I think of the betrayal.  I think of the childhood I lost. I do feel sad for that little lost girl. She wants so much to feel accepted – to be wanted – to feel loved. I need the feelings of worthlessness to go away. I need to feel as if I have worth – that I have value. That I am making a difference. 

I pray the healing continues, I pray that God hears my cry, my plea and sees my tears. 

The journey must continue – I just need to be strong……..

This road called Recovery….

Tags

child sexual abuse, child sexual abuse recovery, Child sexual abuse survivor, Emotional Healing, Emotional Health, emotional recovery, recovery, survivor

…… I’ve been on this road called Recovery for almost a year now.  The anniversary date is fast approaching and I’m not sure if I should be celebrating or if I should be scared.

I know I’ve made some progress; however, the ever self critical person that I am does not think I’ve made enough progress.  How does one know just how much progress one has made on this road of Recovery?  How do you know how much more work you need to do?  How do you measure this stuff?  I have all of these books — ones I’ve read, ones I have yet to read, ones I’m in the midst of reading.  I’m a reader of books since I’m very analytical and that is how I learn and how I know how to recover.

I do like to talk; but I need to take action.  I need to see progress.  I need to see changes.  But how do you changes within yourself?  How do you see changes about yourself?

What have other people done?  What books have other people read?  I know this road is one that is a long road but how long is it?  Are there rest stops along the way?  Are there weigh stations?

This is when I wish I had a support group in which I could talk to other survivors and find out what they did or how they coped or how they handled things.  How their journey on the road went.  I know everyone’s journey is different, but there must be some similarities, correct?  Otherwise there wouldn’t be books written that help people on this road of recovery, would there?

I’m going to an event tomorrow for survivors.  It should be really good and there are several sessions to help abuse survivors to help us with emotional issues and other aspects of our life.  How to cope and other things.  I was not going to go even though I signed up due to the fatigue I’ve been suffering from; but after finding out what the sessions were, I now know I must go.  Tomorrow will be a very busy day for me for sure.  Lots packed in tomorrow.

I must press on and persevere.  I must seek God and ensure I ask for His strength and courage to keep going.  To not lose hope and keep going.  I know this road of recovery is for my benefit and will only help me if I want to reach my goals.

Help Log

Tags

christianity, Emotional Healing, faith, recovery, victory log

Lord:

I need your help. I know I normally do a victory log, but today/tonight I need your help. 

I am tired – really tired. I’m exhausted. Fatigued. Feeling run down. I think it is all the gluten-laden foods I’ve been eating that I know I should be staying away from, so I will keep away from them. Which I know means no more poor man’s cafe mocha (coffee with hot chocolate ).  I will wait the 14 days to see if my symptoms start to clear up as well before I panic and call my doctor. 

Can you help me with the decision regarding my job? Should I stay or should I go? Do I stay here or do I travel? It’s times like this when I really do wish you would either call me on the phone or send me an email or text me. I know you do communicate, but I just need to settle my mind and clear out all the noise and listen. Or I need to focus on your Word and actually spend time reading your Word and you’ll give me the answer as clear as day. Ken has told me already that you’ve given me the answer. But that crazy thing called fear just keeps on creeping on back in and I keep on having my doubts instead of remaining steadfast and trusting you. 

I do have some requests that don’t have anything to do with me though. 

Can you please take care of Dana?  She’s really sick and she needs your help. She went to the doctor but she is hurting really bad and really needs only the help you can provide. 

I also want to pray for Donna. She is going through radiation treatments or some sort of treatments now for her breast cancer and she just needs encouragement and strength to get through this time. She needs your comfort and strength. She also needs a reminder that just getting through this time is a testament of her faith. 

I want to pray for all of my co-workers. Thank you for providing me with such a great group of people to work with. Thank you for their individuality, their different experiences which they bring and their gifts and talents. Thank you for how they enrich my life each and every day. Thank you for enabling them to show me how to be the best person I can be. 

I want to pray for my friends. Thank you for planting each and every one of them in my life. You have blessed me with different people over the years – and they have impacted my life in many different ways – but whether or not they are still a part of my life, they have all taught me something. Valuable life lessons that I will never forget. Lessons that I would otherwise never learned and would not be able to teach others about. 

Most importantly, I thank you for each and every day that I am alive and am able to praise and worship you. 

Walking, Walking, Walking

Tags

Emotional Health, faith, recovery, walking, weight loss

So, I’ve been walking for about 3 weeks now.  I really enjoy it when I have a walking buddy.  I believe it’s the relationship/camaraderie aspect that I really enjoy.  It makes walking that much more enjoyable.

I’ve been walking every day at work at lunch. I make sure to walk at least for a half hour and walk for almost 2 miles. I then try to get the remainder of my 10,000 miles in during the remainder of the day. I need to start walking even more by either getting up earlier or walking at night. I think getting up earlier will be the better option. This way my day starts off with more energy. 

This really is helping me be more positive along with just making me feel better overall. Emotionally I feel better. The migraines have eased off. The fatigue I will pray to God that it leaves me as well. I am working on my weight and will pray for God to continue to help me with my weight and help me to achieve my healthy weight goal. I want to start running again and would also like to do yoga as well, but need to lose more weight before I can do either of those things. 

Thank you, Lord, for helping me achieve the goals so far without your strength and encouragement I would have not made it this far. You are the rock upon which I put my everything on.